A good friend and I were conversing the other day (she’s getting divorced) and we were talking about another good friend who is still married and acts slightly judgmental towards our friend who is getting divorced. (They both live in another state across the street from each other). So as the conversation was wrapping up, my friend, whom I shall call “PJ” says to me, “it’s not like her marriage is without problems. Her husband put a hole in the door last year and he routinely throws chairs and other furniture when he is angry.  She’s come over here crying and scared for her life! So how dare she judge me that I’m divorcing my emotionally abusive husband?”

Touche. But really, is it the same thing? I have done a lot of domestic violence posts on here and I recognize that domestic violence can be physical and emotional abuse. But is it also domestic violence to throw furniture and punch doors and walls? When I posed this question to PJ she was very quick to give me what I think was a very good answer. She said, “well, it’s certainly intimidation. What would you do if your husband did that?” I only had to think about it for a second. I said, “I’d shut up. I’d stop whatever was making him act like that.”

“Exactly,” said PJ. ”You’d feel vulnerable and intimidated and afraid. You’d feel threatened. He would have effectively controlled you by his actions without even hitting you. That is violence. That is not okay. That is not healthy.” (More on domestic violence here:http://www.divorcesaloon.com/index.php?s=domestic+violence)

And I think PJ is right. That’s spot on.  Just because he punches the doors instead of you doesn’t make it okay. It is still “violence” and it can escalate to being you down the road. I was just reading on this blog about Linda and Hulk Hogan’s ongoing divorce. She apparently accuses him of “violence” and “irrational” behavior. http://tnjn.com/2009/apr/25/hogans-comments-bad-move/ And he’s accused her of gallivanting around town with a 19 year old. And he has come out and said that he now “understands why OJ did what he did.”  I wonder if by “violence” she means that he hit her? Or that he simply acted out by throwing stuff and punching in walls? Either way, I think Linda is doing the right thing by getting out.

It is a mistake to think that just because he is hitting the furniture instead of you that you are safe. You are not safe. I don’t think you are. And certainly, no one should feel “intimidated” by their own spouse. There is no reason for that nonsense.

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