DIVORCE HOROSCOPES 2015

Aquarius January 20th – February 18th

Fate created you for many things but a long-lasting morose disposition is not one of them. You are over feeling crappy and are ready for a party. Bring on the shots, cocaine and funky music, you say. You just want to have some fun and show them how it’s done like Paris Hilton. Yea. Ok. But remember tomorrow will most likely come. Will your divorce be an adequate excuse in the aftermath?

Pisces February 19th – March 20th

The first sex after you divorce is always a little bit weird for most people. For pisces, sex has always been as natural as swimming in the open seas. So this is unchartered terrain. Still, it is perfectly understandable that you feel some réservations. The only advice anyone can give you is “try to relax. You are good at this thing.” And the new person is a looker, eh? Not bad!

Aries March 21st – April 19th

Black magic. You really feel that your ex spouse deserves you to throw some really wicked, excruciating voodoo products all over his (or her) proverbial ass. And you know what? You are right. They deserve evil. But be careful this stuff doesn’t spill on your own hands, or worse, that you end up in jail. Sometimes it is better just to let bygones be bygones.

Taurus April 20th – May 20th

Taurus, sorry to tell you this but you are going to have to give up the marital residence to your spouse. You have to move out all your stuff: the taxidermy, wax dolls, client files and vibrators. This is not fair, of course but it happens to more than 60 percent of divorcing couples. What did you do wrong? How did you end up with the short end of the stick? Who knows? Maybe you hired the wrong lawyer?

Gemini May 21st – June 20th

You, dear Gemini, are a little stinker and your little white lies have been exposed in divorce court and you have fallen on your sword and not for nothing and you are going to lose big because now the judge doesn’t trust you and you deserve it because you should never have told those lies to the court! Is there anything you can do to stop this train wreck? No. The train has left the station and you can only hope that the casualties won’t be insurmountable. Next time, speak the truth Gemini! It won’t kill you.

Cancer June 21st – July 22

What can anyone say to you with the sad eyes? We commiserate? Words are cheap. Words don’t heal your pain. You know what would be hilarious?  If you started your own YouTube channel and started to tell the world exactly what went down with your divorce. People really, really need to hear this stuff and it will make you famous and then you are going to be rich and this is the best revenge, isn’t it?

Leo July 23rd – August 22

Your divorce could not have had worse timing, coinciding as it did with not one but two deaths in the family. This truly is a difficult time for you, Leo. When will the sun come out, you Wonder? Soon. It will come out soon. That’s a promise Leo. You can bet on it. As for the kids, they will be alright. Stop worrying so much.

Libra September 23rd to October 22

Drinking like a fish will not solve anything, Libra. Your secret little cocktails at midnight and beyond are not fooling anybody because you are hung over and you look like hell and you reek. You are jeopardizing your job, your livelihood. Join AA Libra. Get help. Divorce is not th end of your life and it is not an excuse for self-destructive behavior.

Scorpio October 23rd – November 21st

You are feeling sorry for yourself – like nobody cares for you. This is not true. But even if it is true you can certainly do a better job of caring for yourself. Libra, you know what you should do? You should write some rap lyrics and try to sell them to a hip hop mogul. No, seriously. Think outside the box a little bit. Free yourself from your usual constraints. You next mate could very well be waiting for you in this alien universe.

Saggitarius November 22 – December 21st

Not to rub salt in your wounds but its your fault that you lost custody of the kids and somebody has to have the courage to tell you so. If I were you, I would stop spreading negative gossip on social media about your ex. The judge has already reprimanded you and the next step is probably going to be supervised visitation. You know quite well that your ex did not sexually abuse those kids. Why did you say it? Why do you keep insinuating it on social media?

Capricorn December 22 – January 19th

Cappy, your biggest failure is emphatically not your divorce. Your biggest failure is your inability to shake this propensity to self loathing. Why do you hate yourself? This is one of the reasons your marriage cracked up, you know, because your spouse couldn’t play shrink anymore. Get shrink-wrapped by a professional, cappy. Learning to love yourself is very important before you embark on your next Relationship.

 

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