YOUR FIGHT STYLE CAN INFLUENCE YOUR DIVORCE RATE
How you fight can increase your risk of divorce
I’ve seen a few whispers on the Net about how the way someone fights could increase their risk of divorce. I can totally see that makes sense even without reading any of the articles. People have different fighting styles and if it clashes (no pun intended) with the way your other half fights, it could be trouble. My style of fighting, as a reference (as if you care) is to give the silent treatment. I am queen of silent treatment. The more silent I am, the more there is to be concerned about because I am not a quiet person. I never shut up. So when I am quiet? It’s trouble. When I get to a point where I can’t think of a single thing to say to an individual? That’s really, really bad. That means I am deeply hurt and upset about something. And I could go on indefinitely like this. Where I don’t say a word to this person.
The thing is, the silent treatment can be just as bad as screaming all the time or saying abusive things to someone. And those fighting styles can also lead to divorce too because who wants to be screamed at all the time? Who wants to hear abusive words coming from someone who is supposed to love them? Notwithstanding my style of fighting, I could not happily abide with a man who screamed abusive things to me. I don’t understand that. Like, a man like Mel Gibson. Do they make em like that? Or is he the only one? Do men say these things to their women? Seriously? That’s beyond divorce. It’s not even like a conversation. It’s just over. He will get served the divorce papers after I’ve already moved out. You know what I’m saying? Cause that is just crazy.
On the other hand, if a man just shuts down the way I shut down? And stops talking? That is passive aggressive behavior. It is! And I can’t take that either. I mean, I can give it, I can’t take it. I mean, what is that? That’s a divorce. You can’t have a relationship where two people just shut down from each other and stop communicating. At least one has to be able to pull the other out of the silence and say, “look, honey, you are upset and that’s why you are silent and I’m not accepting it. I want to know what is wrong. We need to talk about this and I am not letting you go to sleep until we do,” or something like that. You need to have someone who can balance you out, and who will let you know, gently, that your silence will not be tolerated. Someone needs to be able to step back and recalibrate things between the two of you. And maybe you alternate in this role. But you can’t have the two of you being silent, or being abusive or what have you. It can’t work.
Ideally, two people who get as far as marriage to each other should be able to communicate, right? And to know each other’s style of communication before they marry each other, right? And you pay attention. If a man is calling a woman a “bitch” before they even get married, how does she marry this guy? It will only get worse. He will go Mel Gibson on her eventually. Am I right or wrong?
I refuse to get married till I find someone who a) is able to pull me out of my silences and b) whose own style of fighting is not passive aggressive and c) would never allow himself or anyone else to call me by abusive epithets. Now. (That also means that I have to stop cursing. So that I never accidentally call him a SOB if he looks at another girl, or something.) But I say this, realizing that I am only one person. Others have their own thresholds. And some women have no problem with a man calling them a bitch. Or other abusive names. It’s all about your threshold, and what you can take and what you are able to put up with, and what your tipping point is. Everybody has a different tipping point.
There are other fighting styles that are problematic. Like the “dirty fighters.” They fight dirty. They dig up stuff from decades ago and throw it at you when you least expect. (I shut down from these types. I stop talking to them, I swear. I just stop.) Or, they play others so that they involve third parties in the fight depending on the situation, knowing that the third parties will side with them against you.
Or they use sex as a weapon in their fights -which is dirty. Or, whatever.
The point being that the way you fight? Can really make or break a relationship. So think about it and guard against adding toxicity to your marriage with your fighting style. Because the only result is probably going to be a divorce.