Diary of Asha Pabla Day five: I can’t cope

ASHA

Dear Diary,

My husband is trying to keep his spirits up but it is a struggle. His diabetes has been behaving erratically too and we’ve had a few insulin incidents. This is hard. This morning I looked at him as he sat reading the Financial Times in his favorite chair and I felt so sorry for him, I didn’t know what to do. I feel so sorry for my husband. I love him. I love my husband. I can’t believe anybody could ever think I would divorce him.

I overhear Raj talking to his people a lot on the phone and things sound really scary. I think they are probably going to liquidate Galleon. Some people have expressed interest in buying the business. Raj seems to think this might be best for everybody concerned.

I don’t understand all this business stuff, but I understand that they expect a lot of key investors like pension funds and “institutions” to pull out of the fund and I hear Raj saying that Galleon is doomed anyway and he should sell. He says this with grave sadness, as if he’s giving up. But then the next minute, he’s sort of optimistic again and he gets a call from Asia and I think they expect the Asia funds to hold up. People must not be pulling out their money as quickly as the papers say they will. I think Raj is pinning his hopes on Asia. But he doesn’t talk to me directly about business. And I think he’s being careful with what he says on the phone. We think our apartment might be bugged, so we communicate a lot by writing on a sheet of paper and then shredding it in the shredder. You just can’t be too careful under the circumstances.

I’m tired. I have barely slept in a week. It’s hard because Raj keeps tossing and turning throughout the night. I try to hold him, but he doesn’t want to be touched. I am so scared especially when his sugar drops.

The kids keep asking me if daddy’s going to go to jail. The youngest one is a mess and as a mother, it just breaks my heart to see my child like this but what can I do? When I think I will have to be father and mother to my children if Raj gets convicted, it just scares me so. It will be worse than a divorce, really. It will be horrible. I will have “sole” custody of the kids but with my husband in jail, who will help me financially? Will he even be able to pay child support for them? What if the government confiscates everything? What if they come out and say this is more than a $20 million insider trading whatever. What if they say it’s a ponzi scheme? What is this is much worse than I am imagining?

I can’t cope. I really really can’t cope.

(Photo by Flickr is not an image of Asha Pabla wife of Raj Rajaratnam, or anyone affiliated with the Rajaratnam scandal. We use it for illustrative purposes only and in a fictitious sense. This journal is also a work of fiction.)

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