Home DIVORCE ADVICE: Q&A Will divorce make you happy?

Will divorce make you happy?

Why do people get divorced? My guess is, they get divorced because they reach a point in the marriage where their miserable days outnumber their happy days by at least 10 to 1. Once the stats reach that point, they conclude that the marriage has “irretrievably broken down.” I was reading somewhere, it might have been the New York Times, about this whole idea of divorce and whether it makes people any “happier”. It seems a study was conducted somewhere by someone and what they found, startlingly, is that divorce actually did not make people any happier than they were in their “unhappy” marriage.

It seems if you are miserable, you will be miserable whether you are divorced, single or re-married.  There are some people whose lives began after they got divorced and got out of an unhappy and toxic situation. For them, there was plenty of life, and happiness after the divorce. I did a post back in November or December called, “Is there life after divorce” http://www.divorcesaloon.com/is-there-life-after-divorce and I think it was written for those types. You can probably say that divorce made them happy.

It is different for others. They need a bit of help, a bit of push to feel that happiness, and to be persuaded that the divorce was a good thing. Because for some people, divorce is really more depressing than the unhappy marriage they just came out of, believe it or not. That is why I did that post about getting your mojo back and upping your “shag ante.” It was a silly post, but you should probably read it if you are having trouble bouncing back after your divorce. I am not saying that you will be happy after you read it. But if you are divorced anyway, you might as well make the best of the situation.  You can find the post here: http://www.divorcesaloon.com/the-shagalicious-divorcee-how-to-bounce-back-after-getting-dumped

You see, it’s all about your state of mind prior to and after the divorce. I have contended that in order to come out of your marriage in a good place, it is important to have a clear conscience. It is important to know that you did all you could to save your marriage and that you did not “get a divorce” lightly. Plus, it is important to know that you have taken care of important business matters. Divorce is a business, just like marriage. And you need to dot your I’s and cross your T’s in order to be comfortable with your decision in the aftermath. Read this post as it discusses what I mean http://www.divorcesaloon.com/the-happy-diva-emerge-from-your-divorce-laughing-all-the-way-to-the-bank If you fail to take care of business prior to the divorce, you are definitely not going to be happy after the divorce.

Another group of divorcees are so happy about their divorce, they actually get what’s called a “divorce ceremony.” I think someone like Ellen Barkin would probably do this. She would throw a ceremony to be free of her ex, whom, I’ve heard, she called “Rumpelstilskin” on one of those late night shows. Actually, divorce ceremonies are the new trend. Divorcees getting divorce ceremonies and celebrating their new freedom is de riguer. And why not? Whether it means they are happy about getting a divorce, I don’t know. But a lot of people are having divorce parties, just like they have wedding receptions. It’s pretty wild. Check out this post on that issue here: http://www.divorcesaloon.com/will-you-have-a-divorce-ceremony

I think one of the reasons that a person might be unhappy about a divorce is that they see it as this monumental failure. They probably come from a home where their parents were married forever and they feel like they failed. They see the length of marriage as a testament to its “success”. But maybe that is flawed, that reasoning. I mean, I sort of think the same way, that the length of a marriage determines its success and that divorce is a “failure” of that particular marriage. But is this wrongheaded? Could some long term marriages also be failures? Could some marriages that end in divorce be perceived as having been “successful?” Read this post: http://www.divorcesaloon.com/successful-marriages-equals-long-term-marriages-true-or-false

Look, I feel that if a marriage is so unhappy that you and your partner have lost sight of why you ever married each other in the first place, that the marriage probably should be wrapped up. I mean, you know the tell tale signs http://www.divorcesaloon.com/how-to-know-if-youre-heading-for-divorce-10-tell-tale-signs and you’ve probably been looking at them for a really long time before you even filed for the divorce. I say don’t beat yourself up about it, just do what you think is best for you and be happy with your decision. Never mind that that New York Times article says that most people in unhappy marriages who stay put, eventually start to feel happy years later in the same marriage. This is not viable for everybody.

We all believe in marriage being for better or for worse in sickness and in health till death do us part. But when your marriage is literally making you physically sick, http://www.divorcesaloon.com/is-your-marriage-giving-you-breast-cancer-and-what-should-you-do-about-it or you are being beaten down either physically or emotionally by this union, what is the point?

At the same time, it is probably prudent to keep in mind that sometimes you are the problem, not your spouse. And getting a divorce may not necessarily be the answer because you won’t be any happier, because the problem is really within you. And if that is the case, divorce is not going to solve the problem. It may very well exacerbate it.

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