Advanced Divorce 501: Take your husband to the cleaners and don’t feel guilty about it


Creme your husband during the divorce and come out on top!

Step One: Get a bull dog divorce lawyer (this whole plan assumes you have married a husband with a fair amount of assets.)

Step Two: Plan the divorce for at least six months before you let him know that he’s history that way you have time to hire a private detective to see what the hell he’s up to; open up separate bank accounts where you can bank as much loot as you can (but don’t take it from a joint account) and don’t disclose the information about this account to anyone; and most importantly, talk him into ripping up the only copy of the prenup (this last step is absolutely critical).

Step Three: Have the mother of all files put together that include everything you gathered during your six month investigative process – bank accounts, pin numbers, computer files, stock accounts, IRA’s, pensions, business reports and financial statements, educational certificates, correspondences, emails, deeds, everything having to do with everything and its mother that has anything to do with your marriage and assets.

Step Four: When you file for divorce make sure you also serve him with an emergency pendente lite motion so that you can get a court order that he can’t touch anything. Make sure you ask for attorneys fees and spousal support during the pendency of the action.

Step Five: Make sure you’ve been Mommy Sweetness to the kids, and that you have been subtly programming them to love you slightly more than they love him.

Step Six: Get an arsenal of witnesses lined up to say really bad things about him (assuming they are true) if this thing goes to trial.

Step Seven: Make sure you have uncovered a really big secret that he wouldn’t want to go public (we don’t use the word blackmail over here and you shouldn’t either. But secrets are things you can leverage, just remember that.)

Step Eight: Keep your nose clean so he can’t counter-sue your for anything.

Step Nine: Make sure his boss, or whomever the source of his finances is, knows you and likes you and respects you.

Step ten: Hate him enough that you can be cold blooded when the time to strike comes.
All you have to do, is keep in mind what a cad he’s been all those years and this one should be easy.

Step eleven: Oh gosh. I have no idea what’s next. I’ve never actually done this personally… Maybe step eleven should be just seeing whether he will settle with you amicably? And if not, threaten to take him for every dime you can. Trust me with a bulldog lawyer, he’ll probably just buckle and give you want you ask for. If he calls your bluff, well, you’re likely to get at least 50% of the marital res anyway. And if you did what I told you in steps 1-10 at least you’ll know where everything is, so he can’t hide it in foreign accounts. So you might still be able to creme him at the cleaners even if your intent is to not to fight dirty.

God, that was fun! Wasn’t it? But slightly inappropriate. I’m sorry. I should not have said this. You should never think of ending a marriage in this way. Marriage is a partnership. It should be fair and reasonable. Neither party should think of it as creming the other party. Okay?

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